Happy H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks Year
This one probably won't be any better
Hi, you read that right I’m back.
I figured that in 2020 I might as well not let this platform go to waste. Thousands of you (ok maybe only hundreds) rely on me to rant to you at irregular time variables and I would be a fool to not do so.
It has been an eventful few months, and I’ve been busy as ever, so lets get into things that are stupid.
At the end, I’m also giving my year end awards. These are, and I cannot stress this enough, entirely incredibly arbitrary. As the sole arbiter I have decided all. If you won an award feel free to contact me to pick it up.
Paper or Parole
I go grocery shopping about once a month and being the responsible citizen I am, I forget to bring my reusable bag and always end up getting my groceries in paper to feel somewhat environmentally conscious. Whether it is actually it, I have absolutely no idea.
Regardless, in the great state of Ohio, the Big Plastic Bag Lobby has the state on lockdown. Obviously because nothing could be more of a threat than the banishment of the dear plastic baggies.
*I have no idea if there is a plastic bag lobby but hey it’s Ohio would it surprise you?
Anyways, the State Legislature passed H.B. 242 which bans Ohio municipalities from banning plastic bags. The geniuses at The Verne Riffe Center for Government and the Arts came up with a ban--of a ban— which is so stupid it’s hilarious.
The whole thing is because Cleveland passed a ban on plastic bags, so of course it’s of the upmost importance for the legislature to save the innocent plastic bags of Cuyahoga County.
Now of course the kicker is the bills primary sponsors:
Jack Lang, from the Cinncy exurbs and
Don Jones, from the far Southeast, Ohio St. Clairsville area.
I can say one thing very confidently, I don’t think those two had to worry about anywhere near their constituencies banning plastic bags. But the citizens of Cleveland, an entire century of progress forward from them, can’t do as they wish because reasons.
Cosponsors include the esteemed (and Belldumber award winner) Rep. Niraj Antani, Columbus-area Rep. Rick Carfagna, and wannabe mass-murderer Rep. John Becker. Thank you to our big-brained-bag-behemouths!
Spending time passing bans on bans is definitely better than some of shit the legislature could be doing, but it bears mentioning because of how hypocritical they are. When you preach for years about how small-government friendly you are you can’t just go and restrict municipal governments from well small-governing.
If Cuyahoga County wants to ban bags or guns for that matter, don’t conveniently forget your small government hat and stop them.
Hold on, give me one second, I’m photoshopping a clown face over Niraj Antani.
Haha look, it’s clown Niraj.
Sorry, got distracted, back to business.
Don’t support the baddies
This should go without saying. By far, the worst development for the state of Ohio this year was Democrats in the State House rolling over and getting in bed with now-Speaker Larry Householder.
In exchange for one measly HR officer (who my sources say has done nothing), Ohio House minority-Leader Emilia Sykes crowned Larry speaker and gave up literally any small amounts of bargaining power the House Dems had.
This is monumentally STUPID.
Never, ever, cut a deal with the devil for measly returns that do nothing for your side. Read like Machiavelli or something sheesh. The deal, which ended the fractured Republican-party in the State House, has paid dividends for the House Republicans at no-cost.
They got to do things like pass the heartbeat bill, ignore LGBT anti-discrimination bills, ban plastic bag bans, HB 3, and so so much more because of this cop out. If Emilia and the House Dems stood their ground, and didn't crown someone as purely evil as Larry, there’s a solid chance a lot of these would be different.
Instead the House now has a full-time HR staffer, who totally has absolutely changed the workplace culture there. [Yep, now it’s allegedly worse than ever].
This is one of my biggest complaints with establishment democrats, not holding your ground and asserting your power. The other side sure-as-hell is doing it.
Look at the Senate and Mitch McConnell and the courts. Donald Trump has appointed an absurd amount of federal judges.
Mitch just started ignoring the long standing blue-slip objection process to judicial appointments, and nominated them at an absurd rate. There were a huge number of Obama-era vacancies because of these and suddenly we have a ton of hyper-partisan Federalist Society judges.
The moral here is that they should’ve been filled under Obama because they’re sure as hell getting filled under the other party.
In a situation where you’re a minority with power, abuse your negotiating power for everything possible. Don’t just roll over and just give it up, come on. The false reassurances the House Dems got were always a joke, and with as many of them voting for energy-theft bill HB 3 it’s even more sickening.
Every single Dem legislator who voted for Larry and HB 3 needs primaried out till we can get some new leaders who know not to kowtow to the other side.
Stop giving tax subsidies
For some reason our politicians are absolutely enamored with giving wealthy people more money at the expense of literally everyone else.
This clearly has nothing to do with the political donations they later get, but it comes up time and time again.
Like when it turns out that Nationwide Arena and Crew Stadium both cost massive amounts of public dollars to prop up their billionaire sports-team owners.
Sports are fun, in fact I love sports. I am incredibly emotionally invested in how the boys wearing scarlet and gray perform, how many wins the black and gold put up, and the blue and red’s first ever playoff victory.
That being said, under no circumstances should we be bailing out their billionaire owners with public stadium money. If they want to pay, let them and welcome them, but that stops when it’s being passed off onto us.
The sports pay-offs though are unfortunately a tiny part of this much bigger equation. Columbus absolutely loves giving subsidies to reality firms building all those post-apocalyptic cookie-cutter apartment buildings around town. They also love throwing massive incentives at any company angling towards coming to Ohio, even if they would do so anyways.
It’s a cruel joke, we purposefully don’t tax the rich to get them to come here and then when they’re here we really don’t benefit. When they get to build luxury apartments and reap the benefits of years of tax deferments no one wins. Affordable housing doesn’t get any better, and the supply stays depleted.
If you want to see how we’re really in hell world look at the Columbus Metro Housing Authority, they’re supposed to provide good public housing and instead they just pile up the corruption wagon.
If we ever want some real substantive change in this world we need to stop supporting this. Make our politicians stop giving out free money, and start taxing the people hoarding the money. It’s not communist I swear, it’s common sense.
But that’s just more whining lets hop into award szn.
THE OFFICIAL BELLDUMBER AWARDS 2019
Instead of bothering with nominees or anything I’m going to hop into the arbitrary categories and announce some winners.
Official Belldumber Worst Person of the Year
Winner- Ohio State Representative Niraj Antani
Niraj is frequently amongst the worst-of-the-worst in the legislature. He has some very credible me-too allegations against him that one day may be proven. He supports the worst of the worst policies and does so with a smile on his face. He’s a clown. It should be no surprise that my enemy is the worst person of the year.
Now I bet you’re wondering if there’s anything you can do to stop this man- and wait there is!
Niraj is running this year for Ohio Senate District 6 in the Dayton suburbs. Obviously if you live there vote against him. But also, he has a strong Democratic Challenger in Friend of The Newsletter Mark Fogel. Mark is fighting the good fight in a very winnable district, the district has a voter index of +9 Republican which in a Presidential year open-seat could mean it’s flippable.
Donate to Mark by clicking the Beat Niraj button and lets help the man make a difference. As an added benefit, you can get up to $50 off your taxes for a political contribution so it’s literally free money.
Reply to this newsletter with your receipt of donation and phone number and I will personally call and sign you a customized thank you song. Also you’ll get a free shoutout in the next edition of the Belldumber. Who said there’s no such thing as free clout.
Official Belldumber Best Trivia Team Award
Winner- The Littmus Test
The District PourHouse on Ohio State Campus is now shuttered, but after the beat down that The Littmus Test frequently gave other teams there I guess it isn’t a surprise. The team might be temporarily disbanded but they will live on in history.
Official Belldumber Best Columbus Ice Cream Award
Winner- Graeter’s Ice Cream
Look folks, it’s not even close. Graeter’s blows Jeni’s and whatever that new weird-ass short north “cream’d” place is out of the water. I trek over to the Madison, WI Whole Foods (yes I hate Jeff Bezos but it’s the only place that carries it) and spend an unholy $8 on a pint of the best ice cream this world has ever seen produced frequently.
Official Belldumber Best Newsletter Award
Winner- The Rooster
Obviously I’d give this to myself, but I decided I’ll give it to The Rooster and hold down the fort at second. D.J. has a way with words that few others do and his art is one of the only things that get me through my frequent 12 hour days at work. Reading The Rooster with a mug of badly brewed office coffee is a time-honored tradition for me. Subscriber at the hyperlink above, it’s $5 a month that can make up for the $0 you spend on this.
Official Belldumber Best Twitter Award
Winner- Twitter User @Juicewag
This twitter user has incredible tweets and you’d be foolish not to follow him.
Official Belldumber Best Reader Award
Winner- obviously all of you
Thanks to everyone for the support over the past year. The words of encouragement, shares, texts, all of it. I’m just one angry 21-year-old college grad who likes to yell at people and has a passion for killing stress by typing. Here’s to another year of this.
Trivia-
Is back! 7PM at The British Beer Company in Hyannis, Massachusetts. I better see all my Cape Cod readers there.